I Know How I Feel
by PotterBrother
Summary: CHAPTER 3 IS UP!!!!!!!! Harry/Ron (Slash). Ron has feelings for his best friend. How will this affect them and Hogwarts? Please R/R
1. Chapter 1: Questions

Disclaimer: I am not rich and don't own much. I don't make money of this story and only in my wildest dreams do I own the Harry Potter characters and worlds. Besides we all know that J.K.Rowling is better at writing about them than I am.  
  
A/N: This story is slash don't bother reading if you don't like slash. (Use the back button to leave you gits!) For the rest of you enjoy my work in progress!  
  
I know how I feel By Potter Brother  
  
Chapter 1: Questions  
  
I know how I feel, but what if I told him? Would he feel the same? Be disgusted? Or never even speak to me again? The truth is I can't risk it. He is my best friend and why should I ruin it just because it is my dream to make it more? I mean, in normal circumstances I would tell him exactly how I feel. But these are not normal, are they, I'm a guy, and I love my best-male-friend! I have a mental argument with my self every night, should I or shouldn't I? Is it worth? Could he possibly feel the same way about me? But the truth is that I only ever answer these questions with questions. The only other question that I want to know the answer to is, am I gay?  
  
It has taken me five years to work this out, I love him. But instead of telling him I settle for lying in bed when everyone else is asleep and watching him sleeping. He is skinny for his age; his physique is well developed though, mostly because of quiditch, and those green eyes and that black hair. Oh how I want him. It isn't about sex or lust. It's about love. The love that will never be, the love that could be and the love that is.  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
The summer holidays were almost over, with a week to go. The Burrow was cleaner than I had ever seen it. Everyone was tense about You-Know-Who's return and the start of the school year. Dad was constantly traveling between home, Hogwarts and the Ministry trying to help Dumbledore in what ever way he could. Percy was helping dad too, as he had been made head of his department. Mother had a fit of cleaning and cooking which never seemed to end, she even cooked some exotic dishes, which was unusual for her. Fred and George were up to their usual tricks, or so we assumed as they were always so secretive about what they were doing in their room. Ginny was always using the fireplace, talking to people, like she did day in and day out anyway. I however kept my mind occupied with helping mum with the house work and of course with thinking about Harry.  
  
I had been writing to Harry all summer and I even managed to talk to him on the 'telophone'. I had finally managed the impossible; Harry was coming at five o'clock to stay with us for the rest of the holidays like he did every year. In just a few hours time I would be able to see him smell him and hear him, but only touch him in the most accidental ways. It was going to be torture, but torture well worth it. He would be away from those Muggles he lived with and able to be himself.  
  
I had been writing to Hermione as well. She was in Bulgaria on holiday visiting Krum, so she wouldn't be coming to visit this summer but would be back in time to make the Hogwarts express. I really don't know what she sees in that guy. I mean sure he is famous, but he isn't all that good looking and he doesn't seem to have the greatest of personalities either. But I am not the one who has to be happy with him. Five o'clock was fast approaching and I was fast approaching anxiety. And then I realized that nobody had told me how Harry would be getting here. I knew it wouldn't be by floo powder as his fireplace wasn't connected. He couldn't fly here on his broomstick; besides the fact that it was illegal he had way too much to carry with him. So I had to go to my usual source of information around home. Mum.  
  
"Mum. How is Harry getting here?"  
  
"Your father said he would pick him up, apparently he has a work car for the week."  
  
"Really? But that's such a boring way to travel."  
  
"Harry didn't seem to think so. Those Muggles never seem to take him on long car trips."  
  
Mum said the last words as though she were holding back on saying something a lot worse than I had ever heard her say. She didn't seem to think much about the Muggles Harry lived with but she never said anything to us kids.  
  
Five o'clock came and went, it was now six thirty and Harry still hadn't arrived. I was getting worried, what if something had happened. I had heard so many stories about how unsafe Muggle transportation was and this was a long drive. But finally at seven twenty three a car came up the drive way and pulled into the garage. I ran out to greet them as they were just lifting out Harry's trunk from the boot.  
  
"Hello Harry." I had to restrain my self from just letting go of all my self control so as to stop my self from just hugging him until he couldn't breathe. "Long trip?"  
  
"It was excellent! We even made a few stops at some interesting places."  
  
Apparently they had stopped a total of eight times, half of which were to get food, and saw some great scenery. I wish I had of been there. I just seemed to be jealous of anyone that got to spend time with him. Even the Durselys.  
  
"Harry dear, come and sit down I just finished baking some gingerbread cookies. Help your self but be careful they don't escape from the tin." My mother said as she handed him a tin that seemed to be rattling beneath her tight grip. Harry, intrigued looked at me, and I nodded, and he opened the lid slightly and managed to pick one. Before I knew what was going on Harry was sucking his finger and the gingerbread man was running out the door. "Be careful, they're hot Harry." I said sarcastically realizing why he dropped it. At this we all laughed and Harry, slowly, took another one and began to eat it.  
  
After several gingerbread men each we headed up to my room to put Harry's stuff away and catch up. As soon as we were away from everyone else Harry's mood suddenly changed. He was no longer cheery or even smiling. He in fact looked like he had been given a dementor's kiss. I decided to keep quite until we were in my room were we could talk without worrying weather anyone was listening. "Harry what's wrong? You look so . so . so dead." Harry began to shed tears, tears that so obviously contained pain.  
  
"It's nothing." He choked.  
  
"Come on Harry, then why are you crying then if it is nothing? You can tell me." Harry's tears began to run like a tap and where slowly joined with the sounds of Harry's sobbing. I felt so useless.  
  
"How can I face going back? How can I face them? How..." But he stopped there as though he thought better of it, or perhaps just of the last question.  
  
"What do you mean Harry?"  
  
"I killed him! It's my fault he's dead. And everyone knows it!" He sounded angry, but not at me or anyone else. He was angry at him self.  
  
"If you mean Cedric, then you could never be more wrong. You-Know-Who killed him, and if those idiots at school would just listen to Dumbledore for one minute then they would know it too." I spat the last words out as though they were a horrible taste in my mouth. How could Harry think HE was responsible for Cedric Diggory's death? He was there, he saw Voldermort kill him. "Besides. You even said that Cedric had only requested that his body be taken back to his parents and that he then helped you get away from You-Know-Who. Obviously he doesn't blame you!"  
  
At this Harry was speechless. I had made a good point. Cedric wouldn't have helped Harry if he thought Harry had killed him. Cedric was a Hufflepuff, just and loyal, so if he had believed Harry had killed him he probably would have thought it just that Harry were killed to.  
  
After a long silence Harry finally found his voice. "You're right Ron. You always are. I guess I just felt guilty, that even though he died and then helped me get away from Voldermort, I had lived and was getting all the credit. All the rewards." At this I finally saw a smile on his face that wasn't forced, or insincere. He was finally happy.  
  
"Dinner boys!' Mum voice bellowed up the stairs. I found myself overwhelmed with the smells of my mothers cooking wafting up the stairs and realized that I was very hungry.  
  
The kitchen table was full of different foods, some of which I had never seen, and some where the same as always; Mashed potatoes and gravy, Roast vegetables, Roast Chicken and chips. A typical Weasley feast, we may have been poor, but we ate and lived like kings. With eight of us eating, especially with one us being a starved Harry, the food was soon gone and Mother cleared the table.  
After dinner we all sat in the lounge room drinking hot chocolates. I could tell he was thinking about it again. His eyes lost the life in them again. He looked as good as dead. It hurt that I couldn't help him right there and then, he was hurting and all I wanted to do was hold him while he cried it out of his system. But I knew that I couldn't do that in front of everyone.  
  
As soon as it didn't seem rude I hinted to Harry that I wanted to talk to him and told everyone that I was going to bed. I headed straight for my room going up the stairs slowly. It hadn't even been thirty seconds before Harry walked through the door. His eyes still dead. He must have seen me staring at him because he just burst into tears and collapsed onto the ground. I could finally do what I wanted. I walked over to him and put my arms around him trying my hardest to bring the guilt out of him.  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* The sun shone through the window making the posters around the room turn the whole room orange. Harry still had his arms around me. I had slept in his arms that night. Wow. I had done what I had wanted for years. I had slept with Harry potter by my side. Not wanting to have the awkwardness ruin the day I crawled out of Harry's arms and headed for the bath room to take a shower. The shower woke me up instantly. But some how I could still smell Harry on me. I had thought that the shower would wash it off me and so had taken a few minutes before to take in the aroma. It was still there.  
  
Harry was just waking up when I walked in the room. His clothes were all crumpled from sleeping in them. But his eyes had life shining through them again and that made everything ok. "Morning Harry." Perhaps a little to cheerful for the morning but I was happy, so why not. Apparently Harry didn't agree with the why not.  
  
"Morning. It's too early to be cheerful."  
  
"I just slept well that's all. The showers free if you want."  
  
"Thanks" With that he picked out some clothes and a towel form his trunk and walked out the room towards the bath room.  
  
I had been writing poetry secretly for some time now and this morning gave me such inspiration that I wrote four more poems to add to my collection. They were about Harry, always about Harry and my love for him. Not all of them mentioned Harry or anything about him, just my love. I didn't want to show anyone. This was the one thing I could be proud of my self for so I didn't want anyone to see it and then hear them tell me it is crap. In a way this was the secret that I wanted to keep secret more than my love for Harry. At least if someone found out about my feelings for him they wouldn't know about the poetry. But if someone were to read my poetry it would cause both secrets to be known.  
I had just managed to put my book away as the door opened and Harry walked in looking and smelling as good as ever. There was a bounce in his step this morning that I hadn't seen since straight after the first task last year when we started talking again. He was definitely happy about something. But I didn't want to jinx it so I didn't ask. It was good to see him happy again.  
  
The rest of the day passed uneventfully. We went to the hill and practiced Quidditch. Fred and George degnomed the garden because they had tricked Ginny into trying one of the candies, which caused her hair to constantly change color. Percy and father were at work.  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
After three uneventful days at the Burrow, since Harry arrived, it was finally time to make our yearly visit to Diagon Alley. It wouldn't be the same this year though as Hermione would not be meeting us there as she did all the previous years. She was doing her shopping in Bulgaria with "Vicky". So instead we had planned to meet up with Dean, Seamus and Neville. Ginny had her friends she was meeting up with and the twins were meeting up with their friend Lee.  
  
We all traveled by floo powder, much to Harry's dismay, and went off in our separate ways. Mum had given me some money to spend until we met up with her at Flourish and Blotts. So Harry and I made our way to Quality Quidditch Supplies to meet up with the others. When we got there Harry went poking around to see whether he needed anything for his broom. But once he was done we made our way to the Leaky Cauldron for some butterbeer.  
  
Considering there was only two days before school started the place was quiet. Normally there were people everywhere talking, drinking and eating after a long day of shopping for the new school year. Just as I was about to ask Tom why it was so quiet an arrogant voice behind me made me look around.  
  
"Oh look, its potty and the weasel. What no Mudblood? Nice to see you finally grew some sense Potter. Now if only you would lose this fag you would start being respected."  
  
Before I had a any of us had a chance to knock him senseless he was on the ground bawling his eyes out holding the back of his head which appeared to be bleeding, and there behind him was Hermione Granger and her boy friend Victor Krum. Hermione was standing over the pathetic ferret with a book that must have weighed a tone.  
  
"Hermione! What.. We... How.?" was all any of us managed to get out.  
  
"You scare me some times, you know that." And that I gave her a hug. It was fun to see the jealousy shoot straight to Vicky's eyes. As if she knew the questions everyone had tried to ask Hermione went on in her matter-of-fact voice. "I decide to come back early and Victor is training her in London for a few months, so we decided to surprise you guys. Surprise." Without any notice we were a huge clump of people hugging Hermione. I have no idea how she was breathing, I could hardly breath.  
  
No one noticed Malfoy leave. But we didn't care. The group of us was enjoying each others company. Even Victor seemed to be enjoying himself. He and Harry seemed to be talking about Quidditch a lot though. Damn jealousy. Then I had a though. What if Victor could see that I had a crush on Harry and he was just getting revenge on me of the way I made him jealous? I couldn't handle him knowing!  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
Harry, Hermione and I said good bye to everyone and made our way to Flourish and Blotts to meet my mother and the rest of the family. There didn't seem to be any commotion at Flourish and Blotts this year. In our second year there was Gilderoy Lockhart signing autographs on his fake books. The year after that there was a line to get our care of magical creatures book and last year, well we didn't come last year. But it was definitely weird seeing it as if it were just a normal day.  
  
We brought our books and some more and made our way through Diagon Alley buying everything we needed for the school year. After that we made our way back to the Leaky Cauldron to go home. We said good bye to Victor and Hermione and then had a bite to eat before going home. Harry paid. It took a lot of convincing but he manged to convince mum that it was his way of repaying us for our kindness. That made me really blush and I was glad he didn't see. 


	2. Chapter 2: Healing Harry Potter

Chapter 2: Healing Harry Potter  
  
I was awoken at the crack of dawn by the sun shining through my window and hitting me on my face. I would never be able to get back to sleep now. But to my surprise the smell of Mothers cooking was already wafting through the house. The smells of Bacon, egg, sausage and even bread were very predominant. The only other times I had known of mother to be up and cooking this early was when there was something terrible about to happen.  
  
I looked down onto Harry, laying there asleep, not knowing that people were already starting to wake up. No doubt he was still exhausted from the games of Quidditch played the day before. He looked so innocent; he even looked as though he were just your everyday fifteen year old. But he wasn't. He had been forced to mature along time before anyone should. Sure he could have fun, but everything he did, immature or not, was done through maturity. We had broken many rules over our last four years at Hogwarts, and every one of them were broken out of concern for some one or to save the school. But as he lay there sleeping it had all gone away, he was innocent and he was beautiful.  
  
As I got dressed I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I couldn't stop thinking of what nightmare he was having or if he was for once in his life dreaming of something happy. With one last look at him I started making my way down stairs. I was surprised that no one had woken Harry, or me because they were all already sitting around the table eating breakfast. Everyone was up at the crack of dawn, even the twins, now that is a shock.  
  
"Well it's about time you woke up. Could you go get Harry, were leaving in an hour."  
  
"But mum. It's the crack of dawn."  
  
"The train is leaving early this year Ronald. Dumbledore wants all teachers and students at the castle before nightfall. Now go wake Harry." She knows I hate anyone using my full name, even if it is just my first. But I said nothing and made my way backup stairs to find Harry turning in his sleep with a frustrated look on his face and he was moaning "No". I didn't know weather it was a bad thing to wake someone prematurely from a nightmare, so I took a gamble and began to wake him.  
  
'"Harry." Gently shaking his arm. "Harry, we are going early, wake up." I shook his arm gently again and his eyes darted open as he bolted upright as though he were laying on a bed of nails. The next thing I knew my shoulder was wet from his tears and his arms were around me and they weren't letting go.  
  
I comforted him for the third time in two days and helped him get his stuff down to the car while mother stuffed food into our hands. He was quiet all the way to the station were dad rushed to get us some trolleys. We made it onto platform nine and three quarters by eight thirty five, twenty-five minutes before the train would be leaving which was two hours before the Hogwarts express normally left.  
  
"Hello Hermione. How was your last few days of holidays?" Hermione spun around to face me and gave me such a huge hug that I thought my ribs were going to break and then I realized that she was crying. Why did both of my friends decide that I was the comforter of the group all of a sudden? Why did they cry on my shoulder? I didn't voice any of this, I knew all she would want to do was cry. Why I don't know, but I could tell she was deeply hurt.  
  
"Vic.. Victor. HE DUMPED ME! AS THOUGH I WAS JUST SOME TOY HE WAS BORED WITH! Why Ron? Why?" I felt so horrible just because I had used such a cheery voice to greet her when she was so obviously upset. How could he dump her like that? She had just spent the bloody summer with the guy in a foreign country.  
  
"Because he likes to use his fame to attract attention. And you didn't seem the type that went after him so he used you to show he could, get anyone. He. He told me before he left the Leaky Cauldron on Friday." I could imagine what my face looked like and that was nothing to what Hermione's was like, she looked murderous, Harry had know and he didn't tell Hermione or even me. We were both shocked.  
  
"Harry? How could you? How could you keep this from me?" Her voice completely void of anything but anger. Normally someone stood in between me and someone else but this time, before I knew it, I found my self standing between Harry and Hermione. The two who normally had to stop me.  
  
"I didn't have time, you were going, and he promised he would." Harry looked down at his shoes as though they were suddenly interesting. "He promised he would do it as soon as you two got out of the fire place." Slap. Hermione had slapped Harry. His face still red he just looked at her and started to get on the train.  
  
Hermione and I followed Harry onto the train as quiet as mice. Harry was sitting next to the window staring at nothing or perhaps everything in general and didn't even acknowledge our presence. Hermione made it obvious she wasn't happy with him by sitting as far a way as she could. The tension in the compartment was so thick I could have used a severing charm to slice it. We all waved good-bye to my family and the Grangers as the train started to pull away. With Muggle houses speeding by I decided I couldn't take their silence anymore.  
  
"Hermione. Harry didn't realize he was hurting you. He assumed that you would know with in a few moments. He probably thought that Krum just needed to tell some one. Not to mention he was probably scared Harry would kill him. Herm you have to see it from Harry's point of view. And I'm sorry Harry but you really should have told her." A long tense silence filled the compartment. I hoped I had addressed the reasons they weren't talking to each other diplomatically. I didn't want to start another argument between them and I definitely didn't want to hurt Harry, had already been hurting enough since the third task only months before.  
  
"I'm sorry Herm'. I should have told you. I hope you will forgive me. I feel so guilty." Damn it Hermione. He already feels guilty about everything else.  
  
"Oh Harry! You know I can't stay mad at you for too long. And don't feel guilty, it isn't your fault. It's Victors." Enveloped in to a tight hug I could hear his sobs and see the shaking of his shoulders. I moved closer to them and put my hand on his shoulder for comfort and with that I was enveloped into the little hug orgy. I felt so selfish, having him that close I just wanted to tell Hermione to piss off and leave us alone so as I could have him all to myself. But he needed both of us. He needed to feel as though he wasn't alone, or guilty.  
  
"Oh, look. It's Potty and the Weasel. And their body guard. How touching, excuse me while I go throw up!" Bloody Malfoy. The last thing Harry needs, and even Hermione.  
  
"Shove off Malfoy! Or you will be the one who needs a body guard!"  
  
"What's going on here? Mr. Malfoy you will put down your wand and return to your compartment. Ron, go sit down." Professor Lupin came over from the compartment opposite where he had been sleeping and now had his wand pointed at Malfoy. Malfoy looked at Lupin disapprovingly and nodded his head sideways for his cronies to follow.  
  
"Professor Lupin. Thank you. He was almost as annoying as always. What are you doing here?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious?" Started Hermione in her matter-of-fact voice "He's continuing as Defense Against the Dark Arts this year."  
  
"You right as always Hermione. Except this year my pet dog Snuffles will be helping me."  
  
"Snuffles? He's here? He's going to be here all year?" Harry's voice was bordering on happiness and anger. I suppose he was worried that he would be found out and taken away again, I don't blame him, Sirius is the only family he really has, unless you count those Muggles he lives with.  
  
"Yes Harry. He is here on Dumbledore's request. As am I." A smile flickered on both his and Harry's face as a large black dog entered. Harry had thrown his arms around the dog's neck instantly as Hermione and I patted him. Sirius let out a loud bark that I could only guess was supposed to mean that he liked the attention and that he was glad to be back.  
  
The rest of the trip was spent talking about Quidditch and who the prefects were and who the new captain and keeper would be. Harry brought some pumpkin juice and cauldron cakes for everyone for lunch. We were only half an hour away from Hogwarts when the subject finally changed to the summer. A subject that I had wanted to talk to them about first, with out Harry hearing. I wanted to warn them that Harry was feeling guilty about the death of Cedric and the rise of Voldermort.  
  
"How was your summer Harry?" Harry's face dropped from smiles and laughter to a brief frown but I seemed to be the only one to notice. His smile spread back across his face instantly, but it was forced, I could tell.  
  
"It was ok. The Dursleys didn't treat me as bad as they usually do, instead they actually treated me ok. And then I spent the last week of the summer with Ron." Maybe it was my imagination but I thought he sound as though he was trying to convince himself. And it would be just like Harry to try and cover up what actually happened. He doesn't like anyone fussing over him.  
  
"How about you Professor Lupin?" Asked Hermione.  
  
"Well, where to start. Snuffles arrived at my house a day after the third task of the Tri-Wizard tournament, sorry I missed it Harry and I'm sorry about what happened too, and told me everything that he knew about what had happened. We spent the rest of the summer talking to old friends and some people I would normally avoid. And then we got an urgent owl from Dumbledore asking me to revise my position as DADA teacher. Of course he suggested that my dog might enjoy Hogwarts as there would be a certain person that would love to keep him company. So here we are."  
  
"You Hermione?" Hermione told Lupin and Sirius about here wonderful holiday in Bulgaria with Krum and how he broke up with her earlier that day. Sirius gave his sympathy by resting his head on her lap and looking at her with puppy dog eyes, trying his hardest to look cute, but it is hard for a black dog that is almost as tall as Harry to look cute.  
  
The train began slowing down and we could see the Hogsmede station slowly coming to rest outside the train. It was still daylight and it felt weird to be arriving at this time of day. We had managed to find a compartment at the front of the train this year and Hagrid was right outside our window calling for the first years to follow him. We ran out of the train to greet Hagrid but had already started walking towards the lake, about fifty first years following him timidly.  
  
"Just our luck. Hagrid didn't seem to take things as slow as usual did he? Hermione seemed put out, but we all seemed to brush it off, except Hermione. "I mean he normally waits to see if we are ok or something."  
  
"Hermione, I'm sure he must have a reason to be in a hurry. Don't take it personally." But even as I said it I knew she would. Both her and Harry. They both needed someone to ask them if everything was ok. I wasn't what they needed. I was there all the time. They wanted someone who didn't know them to notice that they weren't ok. Hermione might admit to some of it but Harry wouldn't. Harry would insist he was ok and that there was nothing to worry about. Harry was always strong like that; he never let anyone know that there was something wrong. But I knew him better than that, I knew that inside he was dying or wishing it could have been him that Voldermort had killed that night.  
  
I didn't pay much notice to the carriage ride to the castle. I was to absorbed in Harry and Hermione's states of mind that I lost myself to my thoughts. The oak front doors loomed before us, and stationed on either side were two wizards in green cloaks that covered their faces, wands in hand and they looked as though they were searching the crowed. The Great Hall was the same as always, although I couldn't help but notice that the majority of the teaches had their wands out and looked quiet nervous about something.  
  
"What's with all these extra security measures? I mean Aurors at the door, teachers walking around holding their wands waiting to use them? What is hap..." Hermione stopped mid sentence with an expression of realization sweeping over her face as she noticed that Sirius sat behind were Harry was sitting at the Gryffindor table, sitting with his eyes watching what seemed to be everything. He was acting like one of those muggle guard dogs do as though he was protecting something, and then it dawned on me. I had been so blind. All the extra security was because Voldermort had risen just over two months ago. And Sirius was obviously here to protect Harry. I'm sure he would protect us to, but Harry had to be his main concern, and I agreed although he could have done with someone helping him mentally and emotionally.  
  
The feast passed without incident, that is if you don't include Harry's eyes looking as though they were empty, like that day at the Burrow. Perhaps it was happening more often than I thought. As we all got up to head for Gryffindor Tower I pulled Hermione to warn her about Harry.  
  
"Herm', Harry needs our help." Perhaps I shouldn't have said it like that.  
  
"He has all the help he needs. Besides it is only start of year, no one usually tries to kill us until a few weeks in." I will never understand how she can talk about death as though it is nothing, just another thing to live with.  
  
"That came out wrong. Hermione, Harry is blaming himself for everything. And I mean everything. He needs us. Did you notice his eyes at dinner they looked empty. They looked. dead." Hermione's jaw had dropped. Maybe she had just realized that I paid too much attention to Harry.  
  
"Ron, I blamed him for not telling me about Victor. I am such an idiot." Her jaw was still an inch lower than normal as we caught up with Harry but a jab in the ribs with my elbow caught it before Harry's eyes did.  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
Harry's eyes looked as dead as ever over the next few days. He had barely eaten, or even slept. At night he would just lay there looking up at the canopy of his bed lost, in deep thought. I wanted so much to know what was hurting him, although I probably already knew, it just seemed that if I could ask him and get him to talk to me about it, it would all be ok. But he didn't seem to want to do anything except think. Some times it is better to think about a problem your self. So I left him be, he would talk to me about it when he was ready.  
  
The moon made his slender body look twice as thin in it's dim light. And the bags under his eyes looked a thousand times worse. He looked as though one good gust of wind would blow him away. Someone needed to do something about this. He wasn't looking after himself, someone needed to make sure that something was done. Tomorrow I would gather the rest of our dorm and Hermione and we would all go to see Dumbledore. He would do something.  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
"Really sir. He has barely eaten for days. He does everything haphazardly." I knew Seamus had noticed that.  
  
"He most definitely hasn't been doing to well in class Albus." Some brainy know-it-all had decided that McGonagall had noticed as well and that she would be an excellent way of getting our point across. Hermione really does know how to play people.  
  
Dumbledore was letting us prove our selves without any interruptions, his head hung in his hands. "I see your points. Harry is obviously in depression. He seems to think that he is the cause of every negative thing that happens, has happened and will happen. He needs help, form you all. I will talk to his other teachers and request they lay off him a little. It is time we begin, healing Harry Potter." The tone of his voice suggested action. Finally we might get the Harry we all know and love back. 


	3. Chapter 3: Facing Facts

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1  
  
A/N: It has taken me along time but I have finally updated. Since I last updated I have read Order of the Phoenix and have decided to make this an AU fic. This fic will NOT contain spoilers for the fifth book, except for maybe some spells that are used in it.  
  
Chapter 3: Facing Facts  
  
The rain was relentless. But that didn't stop me from looking. I had to find him. No one had seen him since before dinner. I was getting worried. I had already searched Gryffindor tower twice and all his usual places for contemplation; the Great Hall, the library (I wasn't surprised we wasn't there) and the Quidditch pitch. My next stop was the lake. The drops of rain rippled every centimeter of the lake, but on the other side was a figure. I knew the shape of Harry Potter anywhere.  
  
Harry was just sitting there staring into the lake as though it held the secrets of the universe. He didn't seem aware of anything. Not me, not the rain and not the lake. I sat down beside him and looked at where he was staring hoping that somehow this would give me insight to what was tormenting his mind. After a few minutes all I had achieved to understand was that I was soaked to the bone.  
  
"You know if you sit out here any longer you will catch pneumonia or something." Harry jumped at the sound of my voice and looked around at me cautiously. My eyes started drifting over his body. He was soaked also, his arms gripping each other around his legs, his hair slopped against his forehead and hung slightly behind the lens' of his glasses. The eyes behind the glasses were as they usually were recently. Dead. Blank. Hollow.  
  
"I was just thinking. About life. School. You. Hermione. The Dursley's." I had to strain to hear the last part. I slid an arm around him and noticed a single tear fall from his cheek.  
  
"What about the Dursley's?" He didn't normally bring up the Dursley's unless to compare to someone or something. Not until the train ride home at least.  
  
"The way they ignore me. The way that I can sit in the corner of my room with the door open and cry my self to sleep every night and they don't notice. Not to tease me about it and not to tell me to shut up. They.. Well, Uncle Vernon found out what happened, and he started raving about having a murderer in the house and that I deserved to be punished for killing my friend, and that someone should warn you before I kill you too. They starved me. I got one meal a day until I got to the Burrow. They worked me till I dropped a few weeks into the holidays. Uncle Vernon just said that I was a whimp. When I wasn't doing chores or having my meal I was locked in my room." His voice was flat and toneless. I just wanted to hold him and tell him that everything was ok and that he didn't need to warn me that he might murder me because I loved him and trusted him.  
  
"WHAT? And you believed HIM? Harry, you did not kill Cedric. How many times do I have to tell you? Only stupid gits like Malfoy and Fudge believe that bullshit. I mean look at the time you spent with us at the Burrow. You were treated like you not a murderer, not the Boy Who Lived and not someone who is mentally disturbed. We all love you Harry, you're apart of the family. Why won't you accept that it wasn't your fault?" I was angry, frustrated. Everyone said I was stubborn once I got an idea into my head. Well if I was stubborn then Harry was as thick as a brick.  
  
"I guess, but you try living like that for the majority of the summer. And then you try to not believe it."  
  
"Come on Harry, we need to get into some dry clothes." We made our way back to the castle in silence. With anyone else I would have been uncomfortable with the silence, but with Harry, I could have remained silent forever.  
  
We were still soaked when we got to the portrait of the fat lady, but before we could give the password she swung open to reveal the strict face of professor McGonagall. I don't think I had ever seen her lips pressed together any tighter than they were know. They looked like someone had taken hers away and replaced them with a thin line of red ink.  
  
"Potter you will accompany me to the head masters office, now. Mr. Weasley you may rejoin your classmates. Come along Potter." With one last look over his shoulder Harry was gone. I spent all that time looking for him so as he would come back to the common room and McGonagall had to take him somewhere else.  
  
The common room was the emptiest I had seen it in days. Only four people still remained; Hermione, still studying; Ginny, reading a book and two first years just sitting around talking about Sir Codagan, a portrait of a knight that had temporarily guarded the common room in our third year.  
  
I took one more look around the common room before slowly ascending the stairs to the dorm. None of us really had any shame so starting to undress as soon as you heard the door click shut behind you was not rare but this night I wish I hadn't. By the time I got to my bed I was already in my boxers and began looking for my pajamas. But before I had a chance to find any the door swung open.  
  
"Hermione. This is the boy's dorm! You can't just walk in to the boy's dor- mmph" The kiss was soft at first but within seconds she was deepening it. I don't know why I didn't push her away straight off, it took me a few seconds but I did pull out of the kiss. "Hermione? What, was that?"  
  
"I decided I wasn't going to wait for you to make the first move anymore." If my hair looked like it was on fire then our faces were beetroots. My best friend had just kissed me. And five months ago I would have welcomed it and possibly even deepened the kiss my self. But now? "Hermione, you are my best friend and I do love you, just. Not that way." Hermione was crying. Merlin it hurt. "I mean, you're beautiful, clever and funny. But the way you feel about me isn't the way I feel about you. It wouldn't be fair on either of us. I think of you more as a sister than anything else." The words just seemed to come out. They sounded exactly the same as the way everyone else let down someone. But I couldn't do anything with Hermione. I loved Harry. Sure we weren't in a relationship - and I couldn't risk telling him how I felt - but I would have been cheating my heart. "I am so sorry Ron. I thought you felt the same way. I. I. Oh damn it." Following Hermione's exit was the loudest I had heard a door slam in my life. Reaching the door to follow her and make sure she wasn't too hurt I suddenly realized I was still in my underwear and couldn't. Unless I wanted to suffer the embarrassment of talking to Hermione in front of whoever was in the common while I was just wearing under wear. Instead I got into my pajamas and decided to turn in early.  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
For the first time in a long time I woke before dawn so I decided to spend it just laying in my bed throwing feelings, thoughts and questions around. I felt so guilty that, while I did like Hermione the year before, I had somehow lost interest in Hermione. I hadn't lied the night before - although at the time it just came out - I really did lover her, but only as a close friend - a sister. Since when had she begun taking the initiative anyway?  
  
By the time it I had to get ready for class I had what felt like the world's biggest headache. Harry's bed was empty. I figured he must have already gone down to breakfast. When I got to the Great Hall I looked for Harry. I found everyone but Harry. It was bloody unusual and to be honest I was a little worried, but I was starving so I made my way over to a seat next to Hermione.  
  
"Morning Hermione. Sleep well?" SLAP. "'Mione what was that. oh."  
  
"Gee I wonder Ronald Weasley. Last night wouldn't have anything to do with it would it? You are such a prat." I had apologized the night before, but obviously girls are still incomprehensible creatures to me, I figured we would just go on like usual. Stupid me.  
  
"Hermione, I am sorry but I am not in love with you - I love some one else." Hermione's jaw had dropped an inch and her eyes looked as though she would begin crying any second. Then I realized that the entire hall had heard our little conversation. "Yeah, you all heard me. That's right I love Snape." All the tables except the Slytherins cracked up laughing. I had managed to make the entire school laugh.  
  
"Thank you for your love Weasley, perhaps we can talk about it over you doing a detention." I knew that voice. And considering the silence that had fallen so suddenly I was right. Snape. "My dungeons. Eight o'clock. One hour. Don't be late." His lips curled into his familiar cruel smile and he walked of his robes billowing as if caught in an invisible wind.  
  
"Classes haven't even started yet and I have already got a detention. Thank Merlin we don't have potions today. Anyway, I have to get to Divination. Herm' I need to talk to you. But not here and not now. Meet me in the common room at nine. Ok?"  
  
My worry for Harry grew when I got to Divination and saw that he wasn't there. The class room that we took Divination in always felt like a furnace that had strong smell of something that would smell nice if it weren't so strong. "I have foreseen that one of our number has left us. Possibly forever." The soft and misty voice said. Immediately I knew who said it and also whom it was talking about. Professor Trelawney was always foreseeing Harry's death. Ever since our first class she has always predicted his death. But she was right. Harry didn't seem to be with us this time. By the end of the lesson I was worried.  
  
I was thankful to be out of the Divination classroom and on my way to Transfiguration. I could ask McGonagall where Harry was and I wouldn't have to sit alone. Assuming that Hermione still wanted to sit next to me.  
  
I had barely entered the transfiguration classroom when McGonagall came into the room, "Mr. Weasley, the headmaster would like to see you in his office immediately." She didn't sound happy, but I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, and McGonagall was fair. To get in trouble with her, you had to do something wrong.  
  
So I made my way to the headmaster's office, which was situated on the second floor behind a stone gargoyle. I had only been to this office once, and that had only been three days ago. I had been at this school for four years and only this year had I stepped foot in Dumbledore's office. Typical Weasley luck.  
  
I gave the gargoyle the password and it leapt to the side revealing a spinning spiral staircase. The short trip up the staircase left me as dizzy as it had the first time I had visited the office. After finding my balance I knocked on the door.  
  
"Come. Ah, Mr. Weasley, I was expecting you. Please sit down. You are not in trouble, I just wish to speak to you." Relief washed over me with his last words, I wasn't in trouble. There were three seats in front of his desk so I chose one that was indirectly in front of him. Within seconds of me sitting in the chair Fawkes, Dumbledore's pet phoenix, perched himself on my knee. "He must like you. He doesn't normally take to strangers, first Harry now you. Hmmmm."  
  
I never did know what to say to Dumbledore when he spoke to me. He was one of my hero's. I always thought he was a bit mad but who isn't in one way or another. "Where is Harry?" I didn't even think about it, it just came out of my mouth before I had even realized I was saying it.  
  
"The one thing I can not tell you I am afraid. But I assure you he will be back in the dormitory and classes tomorrow. There is nothing wrong with him." One day I will remember to ask him if he can read my mind. "He is merely being told everything he should have known since his first day at Hogwarts, as you should have been. I must apologize for keeping things from both of you that should have been explained to you years ago.  
  
"I am old. I have made many mistakes, but none as big as the ones I have made with you and Harry. I kept the truth from Harry in fear that he was too young to understand or accept the truth. I kept the truth from you in fear that you would have more expectations placed on you than you could handle." Dumbledore, looking at me over his half moon glasses, released a sigh of resignation and continued. "Magic is genetic. It is passed from one or both parents to their children. Sometimes only one parent donates the gene and sometimes neither donate the gene. That is how we get squibs, but coming from a wizarding family you will already understand this. Three quarters of the world's population are capable of donating this gene to their children and most are so mixed that it is amazing we are still having Muggles giving birth to witches and wizards. The Weasley blood line is one of the oldest among our kind. Your mother's blood line however is much older than the Weasley's. Your mother caries on the blood line from Godric Gryffindor."  
  
I couldn't believe my ears. My mother was the heir of Gryffindor. My family was the descendants of one of the Hogwarts Four. But how could this affect the expectations that were already put on me. My entire family was the same.  
  
"The gene that gives the magic of Gryffindor has not been active for many generations; you are the first in one hundred years. You are the only heir of Gryffindor. Your brothers, sister and mother are all blood relatives of Gryffindor but you are the only one that has the magic gene of Gryffindor active making you the heir."  
  
My head was pounding I had never understood genetics or heirs of families before. Mum had explained it to me ever since I could remember, and ever since I could remember I did not understand it. But now I knew why mum had always thought it important that I know it. She had been trying to prepare me for this. But I wasn't prepared. I would have been prepared if Harry had turned out to be the heir but not me.  
  
"But how does that place more expectations on me? I mean, just 'cause I am the heir does that mean I am more powerful? Or that I have more responsibilities?"  
  
Dumbledore gazed down at the desk for a moment thinking of the answer and looked at me as though seeing me for the first time. "You will have more power than most wizards, but you will not be given any extra responsibilities. You will still be treated the way you always have been here at Hogwarts. If you ever need me to explain anything you may use my personal password: 'Brian' while tapping the gargoyle on the nose. Now if you don't have any more questions I must Owl your parents and tell them that I have finally told you."  
  
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*  
  
Snape's office was the same as I remembered it from my second year. Jars lined every shelf, full of things I didn't want to know the names of, giving off a green glow to the room and a sense of foreboding. "Ah, Mr Weasley, You will be scrubbing cauldrons left by my seventh years tonight. Unfortunately," Snape's lips curled into a cruel snarl. "Magic will not work on this substance so you will have to use some elbow grease and a scourer." I made my way to the door into the classroom to see fourteen cauldrons sitting near the sink. "And Mr Weasley, if you aren't over me by tonight you can come clean up after my first years, they are mixing a forgetfulness potion tomorrow."  
  
The cauldrons were a mess. They seemed to be covered in what looked and smelled to be dragon dung. Sitting on the bench next to the sink was a scourer and a bottle of Mr Grime's Elbow Grease. It was harder to clean than Snape had made out. Not only did the remnants of the potion resist magic, but it dissolved the scouring brush as well. It was worse than having to polish all the trophies in the trophy room with Filch in my second year.  
  
When I got the portrait of the Fat Lady that guarded the entrance to the Gryffindor Tower I was surprised to see Hermione waiting for me. Her eyes looked red and puffy, like they do after you cry and I immediately felt a pang of guilt. I was sure that she would have been crying because I didn't like her.  
  
"The common room is too crowded, I couldn't concentrate. I grabbed Harry's invisibility cloak, we can go anywhere you want." I hadn't taken any notice of what she held in her right hand till she mentioned the invisibility cloak, but there it was, that familiar silvery material that had once belonged to Harry's father.  
  
"Alright, how's about Moaning Myrtle's bathroom? We can go there and not have to worry about anyone overhearing us." I had never felt comfortable about being in a girl's lavatory even though I spent a lot of my second year in one, but I had to make sure no one over heard what I had to say.  
  
It took surprisingly little time to get to the second floor but we had to wait almost twenty minutes for Filch to clean up some water that had leaked from Myrtle's bathroom. When we finally stepped foot in the bathroom however Myrtle was no where to be seen. 'Good sign. No interruptions.' No sooner had I thought it did Cho Chang walk out of one of the cubicles and then out into the corridor.  
  
It looked as miserable and dank as I remembered. The lack of use of the facilities was as evident as ever in the rusty taps and dirty mirrors. The floor was the one thing that looked as though it hadn't been there all that long, mostly due to Myrtle flooding it whenever she got upset. The group of sinks, which seemed to be older than the rest of the furnishings, was the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets that Harry and I had found in our second year.  
  
When we were sure we were alone Hermione slipped the cloak off and sat on it looking at me expectantly. "Well? We are here, no what did you want to tell me?" As she said it I could see the hopefulness in her eyes and the pain I was about to cause. It was the look in her eyes though that made me say it, it was the same look I had when ever Harry talked about liking "someone".  
  
"This is really hard Hermione. I don't know where to start, well I do." I was already starting to want to back out, but I knew I had to go on. "Well I am really sorry about last night, but. But I like some one else and I don't know how to tell them. I am in love. with - Harry. Or, at least I think it is love. I have never really loved anyone that wasn't family before." I had never seen such a surprised look on Hermione's face.  
  
"You love Harry? You're gay? You.? Oh my god! Why didn't I see this before? You two do everything together. I am such an idiot. I am so sorry for last night Ron." Now she was apologizing to me for last night. Girls really are odd creatures. She had regained her composure in no time at all. "You should tell him. When he gets back I mean. You never know, he might feel the same about you. It's getting late. We should probably get back to the tower before we get in trouble."  
  
Standing in the door way was Filch, the caretaker, and he had an insane smile on his face that just screamed trouble. "Too late! It's straight to the head master with you. I will have two expelled - Two students making out in a girls bathroom, an out of bounds bathroom at that - That should be enough even to expel Potter if I could catch him at it. Come along you two."  
  
We trailed along in silence to Dumbledore's office, where Filch gave the password and escorted us to the door. Before he had even knocked Dumbledore's voice welcomed us in. "Ah Argus, I have been meaning to ask you to. Mr Weasley, Miss Granger? Where were they Argus?" Dumbledore's gave us a searching look, as if to find the answer written somewhere on us.  
  
"Found them making out in the out of bounds bathroom on the second floor Professor." Filch's eyes gleamed with pride at being the one to have gotten us into trouble. For a moment Dumbledore looked severe and then his expression softened and a smirk played across his mouth so quickly I wasn't sure I had actually seen it.  
  
"I will deal with them Argus, in the meantime could you possibly check on the Ravenclaw common room I believe there were some dung bombs let off there earlier this evening." Filch left the room almost at once with a manic grin on his face that could only mean that we were in trouble. "Now would either of you like some tea? I tend to drink a lot of it at this time of night." I nodded silently as Hermione asked politely with a slight waver in her voice.  
  
"Despite what Mr. Filch says, you are not in trouble. Although when he finds out you aren't expelled, he will be furious. I understand that teenagers require some privacy as they tend to not trust what people could possibly over hear. I also understand that some things are best not overheard by anyone that would use it against you." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled in my direction for a second and then shifted to Hermione.  
  
"Now if you would both like to return to Gryffindor Tower I must see Professor McGonagall, I will accompany you." We walked silently through the castle until we reached the Fat Lady and Dumbledore gave the password. "Get some sleep; you don't want to miss any of your classes tomorrow. Good night." The common room was empty and the dormitories were quiet so we both made for our separate dorms and went to bed.  
  
A/N: Sorry this took so long. Real life kept getting in the way and I haven't had a much internet time to post this. The next two chapters however should be up by the end of next week. I also am in need of a Beta, anyone who wouldn't mind giving up some time to Beta my stuff could just email me. Please... 


End file.
